The Leadership Question Most People Avoid
The Leadership Question Most People Avoid
The moment we decide someone else is the problem, we quietly step outside our own influence.
One of the most revealing signals in a strained relationship is a simple sentence:
“I don’t have a good relationship with them.”
It sounds like an observation.
But hidden inside that statement is a subtle shift.
The dynamic has been positioned entirely with the other person.
And when that happens, influence narrows.
The Leadership Reframe
In coaching and cognitive psychology, there is a powerful practice called reframing. It involves deliberately changing the lens through which we interpret a situation.
Instead of asking:
What is wrong with them?
A more useful question emerges:
How might I be relating in a way that is shaping this dynamic?
This is not about blame.
It is about returning to the one place influence always exists. Our own stance.
Because the moment we ask that question, the situation becomes something we can influence rather than something we simply observe.
Seeing the Dynamic
One of the most powerful shifts leaders make is learning to look at situations from more than one vantage point.
First, there is our own perspective.
What we notice. What we interpret. What we feel in the moment.
Second, there is the perspective of the other person.
How the interaction may be experienced on their side of the conversation.
But the most useful perspective is often a third one.
The ability to step back and see the interaction itself.
Not just the individuals involved, but the pattern unfolding between them. The signals, responses, and assumptions that shape the dynamic over time.
When leaders develop the capacity to see the interaction in this way, something shifts.
Attention moves away from judging the person and toward understanding the dynamic between people.
And dynamics can change.
When Language Limits Influence
Listen closely to how workplace dynamics are often described.
They are disengaged.
They push back on everything.
They avoid accountability.
These statements feel factual. Yet psychologically they position the problem outside the person describing it.
Research on locus of control, first described by psychologist Julian Rotter, shows that people who operate with an internal locus believe their actions influence outcomes. Those who operate with an external locus see outcomes as shaped primarily by others.
Leadership influence grows in the first position.
The Subtle Shift
This is what reframing looks like in practice.
“They push back on everything.”
Becomes: How do I respond when ideas are challenged?
“They seem disengaged.”
Becomes: How am I inviting participation?
“They avoid accountability.”
Becomes: How clear have I been about expectations?
“They shut down in conversations.”
Becomes: What signals might I be sending about psychological safety?
The shift is subtle, but significant.
Attention moves from judging behaviour to understanding the dynamic between people.
Where Leadership Influence Really Begins
Leadership is not simply about observing behaviour.
It is about shaping the conditions in which behaviour occurs.
Relationships at work are not static. They are ongoing interactions.
Every question, response, and tone shifts the dynamic.
Which means influence rarely begins by changing someone else.
It begins by changing the position from which we engage.
Next time you hear yourself thinking:
“I don’t have a good relationship with them.”
Pause.
And ask the question that reopens influence:
How might I be relating in a way that is shaping this dynamic?
Because the moment we shift perspective, we expand the space in which change becomes possible.
I’m curious to hear your thinking.
When relationships at work become difficult, what helps you step back into influence?
Go well this week
Mary-Anne