Holding Yourself Steady (When Leadership Feels Personal)
Holding Yourself Steady (When Leadership Feels Personal)
You know those times when something just gets under your skin?
Someone says something. Does something. And before you've had a chance to think, you can feel it rising. That wee tad of annoyance. That tightening.
It happened to me recently. Someone backed into my parked car at the supermarket, admitted it on the spot, then a few days later decided they weren't actually sure they'd done it. I felt myself starting to lose my rag. And honestly? Fair enough. But it got me thinking about what happens in those moments for us as leaders.
Because it happens at work too. Someone questions a decision. A conversation goes sideways. Someone says something that just doesn't sit right. And suddenly we're not leading from a clear head anymore. We're leading from that feeling.
Maya Angelou said it's rarely the words people remember. It's the feeling they were left with. And that's the bit that stops most of us in our tracks, because in those crunchy moments, the feeling we're carrying is written all over how we show up.
So what do we do with it?
First, notice it. Not after the conversation. During it. That's the hard part. Because when we're rattled, we're usually too busy being rattled to clock that it's happening. The work is building enough awareness to catch yourself mid moment and think, "okay, something's happening for me here."
Then, change your state. That looks different for everyone. A breath. A pause. Stepping out for five minutes and a cuppa. Whatever gets you back to a place where you can communicate the way you actually want to. Not perfectly. Just intentionally.
We're all human. We lose it sometimes. That's not the problem. The problem is when we don't notice it happening until the damage is done.
The Conversation
Have a think about it this week. What rattles your cage? When do you notice it, in the moment, or after the fact? And what do you need to do to change your state so you can come back at it differently?
Those questions are worth sitting with. Because the answers are yours, and they matter.
Go well this week
Mary-Anne
The People Part of Leadership (No One Prepares You For)
The People Part of Leadership (No One Prepares You For)
There’s a moment most leaders recognise. You sit down at the end of the day and think… what did I actually get done? Not what was planned. What actually happened. The conversation that ran over. The issue that landed out of nowhere. The thing you’re still turning over in your head now. And somewhere in that, you realise: this is the work. Not the plan. Not the strategy. The people.
Most leaders don’t struggle with the technical side of leadership. They struggle with the people side, because it doesn’t stay contained. It spills across meetings, into gaps in your day, and into your thinking long after you’ve finished. Conversations don’t just take time, they take thinking.
A 2023 report from McKinsey & Company highlights how leadership roles are becoming increasingly people intensive, with less space between interactions. This isn’t part of leadership anymore. It is leadership.
And here’s where it quietly shifts. You start by leading the work. Then, without really noticing, you start holding it. Taking things on. Carrying conversations. Resolving things quickly because it’s easier. Until your day isn’t shaped by what matters most. It’s shaped by what arrives.
Leadership isn’t what’s in your calendar, it’s what stays in your head afterwards.
That’s the part that catches leaders out. Not because they’re doing something wrong. Because they’re doing what works. But over time, it costs you. Not just time. Thinking.
When everything is coming at you, there’s no space to step back, prioritise properly, or think clearly. So the move isn’t to do less. It’s to lead this part of your role more deliberately. Notice when a conversation is expanding and hold it just enough so it doesn’t take over. “This matters. Let’s focus on what’s most important here.” Notice when you’re stepping in too quickly and shift the thinking. “What do you see as the next step?” Create space for conversations so they don’t take it, and close loops so they don’t sit with you longer than they need to.
And in those moments where something lands with urgency, where you feel the pull to fix it straight away, steady it. “I can hear this matters. Let’s take a moment.” Then ask yourself: is this mine to lead, or am I taking it on?
If you don’t lead the people part of leadership, it will lead you.
Where has the people work started to lead you, instead of you leading it?
Go with clarity this week
Mary-Anne
When We Smooth It Over, Step In… or Stay With It
When We Smooth It Over, Step In… or Stay With It
Someone says, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed.”
What you do next matters more than you think.
Not in a big, dramatic way.
In a small, almost invisible one.
You either smooth it over.
You step in.
Or you stay with it.
And over time, those moments shape everything.
I have been sitting with this after revisiting the work of Martyn Newman.
Empathy is not sympathy.
But in practice, the difference is not always obvious.
It shows up in how we respond in moments like this.
It often starts here
You nod.
“That sounds tough. This time of year is always hectic. Just do what you can.”
You mean well.
You are kind.
You acknowledge it.
But you stay outside the experience.
They nod.
They say they will be fine.
And they leave… still carrying it.
Nothing has really shifted.
Sometimes we move closer… but not deeper
You step in quickly.
“Okay, leave that with me. I will take that off your plate.”
“I will sort it.”
It feels helpful.
It feels like leadership.
And sometimes, it is.
But often, you have removed the discomfort… without really understanding it.
Over time, this can:
reduce ownership
lower confidence
create reliance
increase your load
The problem gets handled.
But the person does not necessarily grow.
And then there is a different move
You pause.
“Tell me a bit more about what is feeling overwhelming right now.”
They start at the surface.
You stay.
“What is the part that is sitting with you the most?”
Now the real thing emerges.
You do not rush to fix it.
“That sounds really heavy. I can hear how much you are carrying… and how much you care about getting it right.”
Something shifts.
Their thinking opens.
Their shoulders drop.
They feel seen.
And from here, you move forward together:
What would help right now?
What matters most this week?
Where can we ease the load, and where do you want to hold it?
This is where empathy lives
Not in what we believe.
But in how we respond.
As Antonio Damasio reminds us, emotion shapes thinking.
And under pressure, as Lisa Feldman Barrett explains, our brains simplify and protect.
So when people do not feel understood:
thinking narrows
contribution reduces
When they do:
thinking expands
trust strengthens
people engage more fully
The tension
Smoothing it over is fast.
Stepping in feels good.
Both reduce discomfort quickly.
But they can also move us away from what matters most.
Empathy asks something else.
To slow down.
To stay.
To understand before moving on.
The reflection
Because when someone brings you something real, there is always a choice.
Not a big one.
A small, almost invisible one.
Do you smooth it over?
Do you step in?
Or do you stay with it?
That choice shapes:
how safe people feel
how openly they think
how strongly they contribute
And slowly, quietly… it shapes your culture.
Maybe empathy is not something we simply value.
Maybe it is something we practise,
moment by moment,
in the spaces where it would be easier not to.
Mary-Anne 💛
When Things Feel Quieter Than They Used To
When Things Feel Quieter Than They Used To
There are moments in leadership where things just feel a bit… quieter.
You are still showing up.
Still doing the work.
Still carrying what needs to be carried.
But something has shifted.
The energy is not quite the same.
The certainty is not quite the same.
The edge you used to feel has softened.
And then the thinking starts.
Am I making a difference here?
Is this worth the energy I am putting in?
Do I still have what it takes to keep doing this?
This is the part of leadership that does not get talked about much.
Not because it is rare.
But because it is subtle.
When things feel quieter, it is easy to assume something is wrong.
But often, it is not a failure.
It is a signal.
A Simple Way to Work With It
When that shift shows up, keep it practical.
Notice it
Recognise that something has shifted.
No judgement. No overthinking. Just awareness.
Name it
Be clear about what is underneath.
Is it frustration from things not moving?
Fatigue from holding a lot for a long time?
Self doubt creeping in?
Naming it brings clarity.
Reconnect
Come back to what matters.
Why did this work matter to you in the first place?
What still matters, even now?
And then take one small step back in.
Not everything.
Just one move.
One idea.
One conversation.
One moment where you bring a bit more of yourself back.
The Reality
Momentum does not return all at once.
It rebuilds.
Quietly.
So if things have felt a bit quieter for you lately, take that as information.
Not that something is wrong.
But that something needs reconnecting.
Notice it.
Name it.
Reconnect.
And start there.
Arohanui
Mary-Anne 😊
Pressure and Perspective - Look for the Gold First
Look for the Gold First
Pressure has a reputation for sharpening thinking. Decisions come faster. Options reduce. Things feel clearer.
But there is something else happening beneath the surface.
Our brains are wired to notice problems first. It is part of our survival system. Neuroscientists describe this as the negativity bias. When the brain senses pressure, it scans quickly for risk, error, and threat. In leadership, that often shows up as a rapid search for what is wrong.
What needs fixing.
Where the gap is.
What isn’t working yet.
This instinct can be useful. It helps us identify issues quickly. But when pressure is high, it can also distort how we see people, performance, and progress.
When the brain is scanning for gaps, it often overlooks the gold that is already present.
Positive psychology offers a helpful counterbalance here. Researchers such as Martin Seligman and Barbara Fredrickson have shown that development accelerates when people build from strengths and existing success. When leaders begin by identifying what is working, they widen thinking, motivation increases, and new solutions become easier to see.
This is where the idea of mining the gold becomes powerful.
Before searching for gaps, we pause and look for:
• what is already working
• where progress is visible
• what strengths are present
• what capability already exists
In leadership conversations, this shift changes the entire dynamic. Instead of beginning with deficiency, we begin with possibility.
Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) describes this as resource activation. When people recall moments of competence or success, the brain reactivates those emotional and cognitive states. Confidence rises. Thinking becomes more creative. Solutions become easier to generate.
In other words, when leaders start with the gold, the brain becomes more capable of addressing the gaps.
This does not mean ignoring problems. Leadership still requires honest reflection and improvement. But when development begins with strengths, gaps become areas for growth rather than evidence of failure.
Teams begin to think differently.
Instead of asking:
“What’s wrong here?”
The question becomes:
“Where is the gold, and how can we build from it?”
Under pressure, this matters even more. Pressure naturally narrows thinking toward risk and error. Leaders who intentionally look for strengths first help reopen perspective.
They notice capability before deficiency.
Progress before problems.
Possibility before limitation.
And from that place, development becomes both more human and more effective.
A moment to reflect
Where is the gold in my team right now?
What strengths might I be overlooking because I am scanning for gaps?
How might starting with the gold change the development conversation?
Go with clarity this week
Mary-Anne