The Quiet Power of Naming What We Feel
The Quiet Power of Naming What We Feel
Think about the last time a conversation took an unexpected turn. Perhaps someone challenged your idea, or a colleague’s comment landed more sharply than intended. In that instant, your body knew before your mind caught up; heart rate quickening, thoughts racing, a reply already forming (usually your most “brilliant” one of the day).
Moments like these reveal the hidden force of emotion. Left unnamed, it often takes the lead. Frustration colours our tone. Anxiety pushes us to overexplain. Hurt folds us into silence. What happens next in the conversation is shaped not by intention, but by reaction.
Yet something shifts when we notice and name what we are feeling. Neuroscience tells us that labelling emotions dials down the brain’s alarm system, easing intensity and creating space to think more clearly. A pause is introduced. And in that pause, we regain choice.
The choice may be as simple as steadying your breath before responding. It may be quietly acknowledging, “I feel defensive,” and deciding to ask a clarifying question instead of firing back. These are not grand gestures; they are small acts of emotional editing that change the course of a moment (and possibly save you from an awkward apology later).
Perhaps the real opportunity is not in erasing emotion from our interactions, but in recognising it sooner and holding it with more honesty. Imagine the difference in our workplaces, homes, and communities if conversations could shift from clash to curiosity simply because we were willing to pause, name, and choose.
And if you would like to go deeper in understanding your emotions, there is a great episode of the Feel Better podcast (Ep 75: How to Know What You are Feeling) that explores why we often default to “fine” or “busy.” It is a refreshing reminder that emotional literacy starts with honesty, and that “fine” is often just code for “running on fumes.” Listen here.
Reflective Questions to Consider
What patterns do I notice in the way I respond when certain emotions show up, and how might those patterns be shaping my relationships?
How could creating a pause before responding open the door to deeper understanding rather than quick resolution?
Do I have the vocabulary to accurately identify and name my emotions, or is this something I need to build; beyond “fine,” “tired,” and “running on caffeine”?
Go gently this week
Mary-Anne
Do Our People Have Room to Land Before We Launch Again?
Do Our People Have Room to Land Before We Launch Again?
Bruce Tuckman’s model reminds us that teams move through forming, storming, norming, performing; and finally adjourning, when the project winds down and people move on to what is next. It is a rhythm, not a race. Each stage matters.
But here is the question that tugs at me as I work with leaders of change:
If we keep piling on new initiatives before our people have had the chance to reach norming, or better still, performing, are we truly building capacity; or just quietly draining it?
The Brain’s Need for Rhythm
Our brains are wired for both novelty and stability. We love new ideas, but we also need routine to make sense of them.
Too much novelty, and overload hits. The prefrontal cortex waves a small white flag, change fatigue rolls in, and resistance starts muttering in the back row.
Too little stability, and nothing sticks. Habits slide off, learning stays fragile, and people start treating every new thing as “a phase that will pass.”
Stack the changes too high, and the brain simply short-circuits. Competing priorities fill the mental inbox until there is no space left for creativity, calm, or a decent night’s sleep.
The result? Teams hovering endlessly in storming; circling between conflict, fatigue, and shallow compliance; instead of reaching that satisfying glide of performing, where everything just clicks.
What This Looks Like on the Ground
A shiny new digital platform arrives before the old one has found its footing.
A curriculum refresh collides with assessment changes, and teachers never quite land either.
Leaders change focus each term while their people are still unpacking last term’s “must do.”
That is not agility. That is exhaustion disguised as progress.
What Leaders Can Do
Ask the timing question. Before launching anything new, pause and ask: has the last shift reached norming yet, or are we still paddling furiously in storming?
Distinguish the must dos from the may dos. Sequence, do not stack. Just because we can does not mean we should (even if it looks great on a strategic plan).
Use neuroscience as your compass. The brain needs repetition, reinforcement, and rest for new pathways to form. Give your people space for all three.
Normalise reflection. Hui, pulse checks, retrospectives; whatever you call them, use them. Ask, are we stabilising, or still storming?
Protect capacity. Sometimes leadership is less about what you add, and more about what you intentionally hold back.
Pause and reflect:
Are we measuring success by how many initiatives we launch; or by how deeply our people can embed and thrive in them?
What would it look like to honour the brain’s natural rhythm; so that change becomes sustainable, not just survivable?
And what external influences might we need to push back against; the well-meaning pressures, expectations, or trends that keep us launching before our people have truly landed?
Go with rhythm this week
Mary-Anne
Keeping the Rhythm of Accountability
Keeping the Rhythm of Accountability
Picture a rowing crew out on the water. Every person has an oar in hand. When each rower pulls in time, the boat glides forward with power and ease. But when someone eases off, dips their oar late, or drifts out of rhythm, everyone feels it. The glide turns to drag, and that satisfying whoosh across the water becomes a sluggish splosh.
This is what accountability looks like in a team. It is rarely about the grand gestures. More often, it lives in the small, consistent actions that either keep the rhythm or quietly throw it off.
Strong teams do not fall apart because people stop caring. They drift when no one names the dip in rhythm, when the missteps go unspoken. Over time, the standard slides, energy drops, and everyone starts wondering why it suddenly feels so hard to row.
Rethinking Accountability
Accountability is not about blame. It is about commitment; about protecting the collective rhythm that keeps everyone moving forward. And it is about the courage to call people back into time when they slip out of sync (ideally before the whole crew starts spinning in circles).
We often assume that “consequence” means punishment. But really, consequence is simply what happens next.
When someone rows harder than expected and the team acknowledges it; that is a consequence.
When rhythm breaks and the coxswain calls it out, restoring flow; that is a consequence.
When no one says anything and the boat keeps dragging sideways; that too is a consequence, one that slowly eats away at belief in the crew.
Accountability is not a heavy hand. It is the steady beat that keeps people rowing together with trust, energy, and purpose. When recognition and correction both happen naturally, the whole team feels it, and the boat starts to fly again; smoother, stronger, faster.
That is the rhythm of a truly accountable team.
Pause and Reflect:
Where in your team have you noticed rhythm slip without naming it?
What behaviours are you reinforcing by what you acknowledge; or ignore?
How do you personally stay in time with your own commitments?
Stay Steady
Mary-Anne
Leading Cultural Change – From Surface to Core
Leading Cultural Change – From Surface to Core
Culture lives in the heartbeat of an organisation. We feel it in the way people greet one another, the rituals that give rhythm to the day, the language that sneaks into meetings, and the beliefs that quietly shape decisions. Leading through culture is one of the most powerful responsibilities we carry, and one of the trickiest to get right.
Understanding the Layers of Culture
Edgar Schein’s Iceberg Model helps us see culture in three layers.
Artifacts (Visible Layer):
These are the things we can see and touch – the policies, systems, spaces, logos, and routines that shape daily life. They are the tip of the iceberg, easy to spot but often just the surface story.
Espoused Values (Middle Layer):
These are the beliefs we say matter most – the vision statements and values printed on posters or shared at meetings (and hopefully remembered afterwards).
Underlying Assumptions (Deep Layer):
These are the invisible beliefs about how the world works – the unspoken “this is how we do things around here” messages that shape decisions and behaviours far more than we realise.
Artifacts can shift quickly, but the deeper layers, especially underlying assumptions, take time, courage, and more than a few cups of coffee to change. If we want transformation that lasts, we need to be willing to work below the surface.
Why Leaders Need to Work Across All Three Layers
Schein reminds us: “The only thing of real importance that leaders do is create and manage culture. If you do not manage culture, it manages you.”
Surface level systems and shiny new initiatives might spark energy for a while, but without alignment to deeper values and assumptions, that energy fades faster than the excitement after a new stationery order. Lasting cultural change asks us to:
Clarify values. Make sure what we say we value is genuinely reflected in the daily experience of everyone, not just written in the strategic plan.
Align behaviour with beliefs. Model the values we talk about, so they are visible in action, not just words.
Shift mindsets over time. Allow people to grow into new ways of thinking and working. Real cultural change happens through steady, consistent practice, not one inspirational meeting and a morning tea.
Four Leadership Actions That Move Culture Forward
Action: Surface the DNA
What It Does: Revisit stories, symbols, heroes, and rituals that express the organisation’s identity. Connects visible practices with purpose and shared meaning.
Action: Reinforce Alignment
What It Does: Align strategy, values, and daily work so people can see how their role connects to the bigger picture. Builds coherence across all layers of culture.
Action: Share Ownership
What It Does: Involve everyone in shaping and living the culture, not just observing it. Strengthens commitment and shared responsibility.
Action: Practice Deep Change
What It Does: Create space for learning, reflection, and honest conversation that bring assumptions to the surface. Keeps culture alive and evolving.
Why It Matters
Culture is never static. It is a living system that responds to every decision, conversation, and raised eyebrow. The small moments – how we start meetings, what we celebrate, how we respond when things get messy – send powerful messages about what we truly value.
When leaders intentionally tend to culture, they become gardeners more than managers. They notice what needs pruning, what needs nurturing, and when to simply step back and let things grow. And yes, sometimes they pull a few weeds.
Reflection Prompts
Which layer of culture do I give most of my attention to: the visible systems and rituals, or the deeper values and assumptions?
Where might there be gaps between what we say we value and what people actually experience?
How can I create spaces for our people to explore unspoken assumptions through dialogue, storytelling, and asking why?
Go well this week,
Mary-Anne
Daily Fuel Stops – Micro Pauses for Emotional Fitness
Daily Fuel Stops – Micro Pauses for Emotional Fitness
It is easy to power through the day without pausing, only to reach the evening with a foggy brain, tense shoulders, and the decision making ability of a potato. This is what happens when we spend too long in the danger zone without realising it.
The Science of Stress
Our brains are brilliant, but they are also a bit old fashioned. They were designed for survival in a world full of Sabre- toothed tigers, not calendar invites. The same fight or flight response that once kept us alive still kicks in today, only now it is triggered by overflowing inboxes, traffic jams, or a Teams meeting that could have been an email.
The body does not know the difference between real and perceived danger. Stress hormones flood the system, heart rate rises, and muscles tense as if preparing to sprint for our lives.
While helpful in short bursts, living in this state too long wears us down. The World Health Organisation calls stress the “health epidemic of the 21st century.” Harvard research shows that between 70 and 95 percent of GP visits are linked to stress. In Aotearoa, the Mental Health Foundation reports that one in four people experience high levels of stress or anxiety.
Burnout – Too Long in the Danger Zone
Staying in low level stress for too long stops the body from repairing and restoring. Over time, it leads to burnout: exhaustion, foggy thinking, low immunity, and a general sense of “I used to be fun.”
It is like driving all day with your foot jammed on the accelerator. Sooner or later, something starts to smoke.
Moving Into the Safety Zone
Thankfully, our nervous system also has a built in recovery mode, often called the safety zone or “rest and digest” state. In this mode, the body repairs, energy returns, and the creative, problem solving parts of the brain switch back on.
Neuroscience and wellbeing research (Southern Cross Workplace Wellness Survey, WHO, Harvard Medical Journal, and neuroplasticity studies) show there are simple, proven ways to activate the safety response:
Movement: walking, stretching, dancing, tai chi
Breathwork: slow belly breathing, mindfulness, meditation
Nature: time in green spaces, sunlight, salt water, birdsong
Connection: laughter, kindness, gratitude, hugs, pets, play
Creativity: cooking, music, gardening, trying something new
Relaxation: baths, massage, time away from screens, reframing thoughts
These are not indulgences; they are maintenance. The science is clear: little and often works best.
Why This Matters for Leaders
When leaders normalise fuel stops, they show that wellbeing and performance can travel together. Micro pauses are not signs of weakness; they are signs of wisdom. A few moments of presence can prevent a full system crash.
By modelling these resets, leaders give others permission to do the same. That is how resilient, resourceful teams are built, not through pushing harder, but through knowing when to pause.
Micro Pauses Within a Busy Day
Even in the most demanding schedules, small resets can make all the difference. Think of them as pit stops for your nervous system: short, regular, and essential for finishing the race.
Morning
Take three slow breaths before opening emails
Step outside with your coffee and notice the air and light
Write down one thing you are grateful for before the day begins
Between Meetings
Walk the corridor or step outside for two minutes
Roll your shoulders and stretch
Ask yourself: How am I arriving to this next conversation?
Midday
Eat lunch away from your desk, even for ten minutes
Put your phone down and actually taste your food
Listen to one piece of music that lifts or calms you
Afternoon Reset
Take a quick walk outdoors
Practise belly breathing: hand on stomach, slow inhale, long exhale
Reframe a stressful thought: This is pressure, but I can take it step by step
Evening Wind Down
Switch devices off for a while
Share one good moment from the day with a friend or whānau
Do something creative or soothing, such as cooking, reading, gardening, or doodling
Remember, little and often wins. Micro pauses do not need candles, yoga pants, or spa music. They are simply moments of awareness that bring us back into balance again and again.
Reflection Prompts
What is one micro pause I could realistically add into today?
At what points in my day does the danger zone tend to appear, and what could act as a reset?
How might my own fuel stops encourage others to take theirs too?
Go calmly this week,
Mary-Anne