Mary-Anne Murphy 19/5/26
Why Do We Make Excuses For People Who Treat Us Badly?
I've worked with someone who made me scared to ask a question.
Not because I didn't know what I was doing. Not because the question wasn't valid. But because I never quite knew what reaction I'd get. Would they snap? Dismiss it? Make me feel like I should have already known the answer? So I'd think about it. Weigh it up. Wonder if it was worth it. And more often than not, I'd stay quiet.
And here's the thing. I wasn't alone. Everyone around me was doing the same thing. Tiptoeing. Carefully choosing their words. Softening their approach. Bracing slightly before speaking.
We all knew. Nobody said it.
Instead we said things like, that's just how they are. You get used to it. Once you get to know them you'll like them. They mean well. They're just direct.
And I've been thinking about that ever since. Because those phrases sound like understanding. Like generosity. Like giving someone the benefit of the doubt.
But sometimes they're just a way of making peace with something that isn't ok.
Because when we normalise behaviour that makes people scared to ask a question, we don't just protect the person doing it. We silence everyone around them. We send a message, this is just how it is here. Adjust yourself accordingly. And people do. They get smaller. They stop contributing fully. They save their best thinking for somewhere it feels safer to share it.
And the cost of that is enormous. Not just to the people tiptoeing. To the whole team. To the work. To the culture.
So why do we do it? Why do we make excuses for people whose behaviour isn't ok?
Sometimes it's about power. When someone is more senior, more established, more certain than us, it feels easier to adapt than to name it. The risk feels too high. And the fear of their reaction, of being dismissed, humiliated, or making things worse, keeps us exactly where we are.
Sometimes it's about loyalty. We know the person. We know they're not bad. We separate their behaviour from their intention and give the intention the benefit of the doubt.
And sometimes it's simpler than that. We just don't have the language. We don't know how to name it without it becoming a bigger deal than we feel equipped to handle.
But here's what I've learned. When we don't name it, it doesn't go away. It just goes underground. And underground it does more damage, not less.
So what do you do when you're scared of the reaction? Here are some approaches that protect you while still moving things forward.
Name the pattern, not the person. In a team setting, raise it as a general question rather than about anyone specific. Something like, how do we make sure everyone feels comfortable raising ideas and questions here? It opens the conversation without anyone feeling targeted. Including you.
Use curiosity instead of critique. Rather than naming the behaviour directly, approach it as wanting to understand. Something like, I want to make sure I'm communicating well with you. Can I ask what works best when I need to raise something? It puts the framing on you rather than them, which lowers the defensiveness immediately.
Find one trusted person first. Before you do anything, say it out loud to someone you trust. Not to gossip. Just to reality check. Am I reading this right? That alone reduces the isolation and helps you figure out your next move.
Write it before you say it. If you need to raise something directly, write it down first. Not to send, just to get clear on what you actually want to say and what outcome you're looking for. It slows the emotional brain down and helps you find the words before you're in the room.
Choose your moment carefully. Timing matters enormously with reactive people. Catch them when they're settled, not rushed or stressed. A quieter moment one on one is almost always safer than raising something in a group.
None of these are guaranteed. But all of them are better than staying quiet and getting smaller.
Because the behaviour that goes unnamed gets permission to continue. And everyone in the room pays the price.
The Conversation
Is there someone in your world whose behaviour you've been making excuses for?
And instead of staying quiet, what's one small move you could make this week?
Go with confidence this week
Mary-Anne
Time may not be the enemy.
Mary-Anne Murphy
One thing I often hear in my mahi is the phrase, “We don’t have enough time.”
I admit, I sometimes feel the same way. Just thinking about our workload can make our stomachs knot, our hearts race, and even trigger a flight, fight, or freeze response. We might do anything but the work at hand, leaving us with a perfectly tidy office and no actual work done. Or we might complain about how much we do compared to others or about the relentless flow of tasks from above, like a fire hydrant that won’t shut off. And sometimes, we just procrastinate… and do nothing at all.
Time is a tricky subject…
So, I decided to take matters into my own hands. As Michael Altschuler says, “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” I looked at how I was working and where I might be wasting time to see how much control I actually had over my time.
I started to notice when I got side-tracked by my phone, got caught in long-winded break conversations, started doing other tasks like reading emails without answering any, or got stuck in my own mind trying to figure out how to do something.
What I discovered, aside from some distractive tendencies, was that I could be spending my time more purposefully.
So, I researched methods to help me focus better. I came across the Pomodoro Technique. Here’s how it works:
[Reference: https://todoist.com/productivity-methods/pomodoro-technique]
I found that it’s amazing what can be achieved in 25 minutes! I can stay focused for that long, achieve a lot when I concentrate on one task at a time, and I feel energized.
I set a timer on my phone, then put it aside or in a drawer to avoid distractions. I don’t look at it until the timer goes off.
Even better, this technique can work for children, especially those who struggle with focus. You could try it at your next staff professional learning day or even with a class of students.
At the International Conference of Thinking in Melbourne, I heard neuroscientist Dr. Mark Williams discuss this. Listen to his podcast interview here to capture some of the gems he shared.
So, if you feel like time isn’t on your side, consider how you could use it more effectively. Maybe even give the Pomodoro Technique a whirl… you have nothing to lose by trying.