The Ute, The Party, and The Art of Quiet Resistance

The Ute, The Party, and The Art of Quiet Resistance

I was about seventeen when I “borrowed” my parents' ute to go to a party they'd said no to.

I want to be clear. I didn't have permission. What I had was a plan.

I waited until the house was quiet. Roll-started it down the hill so nobody would hear the engine. Made it to the party. Made it back in the early hours. Quietly drove it back up the hill. Parked it exactly where it had been.

And the next morning, over breakfast, asked casually how everyone had slept that night.

I was fairly certain I'd gotten away with it. Looking back now, I'm fairly certain I hadn't. My parents knew. Nothing was ever officially said. And life carried on.

But here's what that seventeen year old didn't realise she was doing. She wasn't just going to a party. She was demonstrating one of the most human responses to a decision we don't agree with.

Finding a workaround.

I see it in teams all the time. Someone sits in a meeting and nods along. Yes, agreed, absolutely, let's do that. And then quietly, almost imperceptibly, doesn't do it. Or does a version of it. Or does it once and then stops. Not with drama. Not with confrontation. Just with a kind of steady, unspoken resistance.

It's not quite quitting. It's not outright refusal. It's something quieter than that. A slow drift away from the kaupapa while technically still showing up.

And the leader is left with the same feeling my parents probably had. Knowing something is off. Not quite sure how to name it without making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

So how do you navigate it?

First, get curious before you get frustrated. Because passive resistance is almost always information. It's telling you something about the agreement, the decision, or the relationship. Maybe the person never really agreed in the first place and just said yes to end the conversation. Maybe they agreed but then hit a barrier nobody knew about. Maybe they have a genuine concern that was never properly heard.

The behaviour on the surface is the same. The reason underneath varies enormously. And the conversation you need to have is different depending on which one it is.

Second, name what you're seeing without making it an accusation. Something like, I've noticed we agreed on this but it doesn't seem to be happening. Help me understand what's getting in the way. That's not a confrontation. It's an opening. It gives the person somewhere to go other than defensive.

Third, revisit the original agreement. Because sometimes passive resistance is a signal that the agreement itself wasn't solid. That the yes was given under pressure, or without enough information, or without the person feeling genuinely heard. Going back to the agreement and rebuilding it properly is not weakness. It's leadership.

And if you've done all of that and the resistance continues? Then you're into accountability territory. And that's a different conversation. But you can only get there honestly if you've done the work first.

As for my parents. They never said a word. But I have a feeling the ute mysteriously needed to go in for a service the following weekend.

The Conversation

Where in your team right now is someone doing the equivalent of roll-starting the ute down the hill?

And have you had the conversation that actually needs to happen?

Get curious this week
Mary-Anne :)