Soft skills are THE skills

I feel so incredibly grateful and privileged to do the mahi I do. Last week affirmed that for me ten-fold.

The day centred around building Emotional Intelligence in a group of incredible educators, with the view of taking this mahi to their students.

Through a day of professional learning, they began to understand the history and key competencies that underpin their emotional capital. They then explored their individual profiles, grounding their new knowledge within their own world. We also explored their team Emotional Capital profile and looked at how they could amplify their strengths and work together to lean into areas for development.

Conversations throughout the day interchanged between their individual, team and students, as they made meaning, asked curious questions and came to new understandings.

Through this journey, and linking with research, they came to realise the following things:

• Soft skills are THE skills to be learning…they are at the heart of what it means to be human.

• We can do the doing, but it is how we are being together that role models to those we teach, and sometimes this means talking about the uncomfortable stuff in a safe way.

• When schools, whānau and students work together on developing these competencies, we create both a caring and daring culture where everyone belongs.

• Emotional-social intelligence mahi is context-free and runs like an aqueduct at the deepest level of our being. It is foundational for happy, healthy learners, not an add-on, programme, or an afterthought. It needs to be at the heart of every curriculum.

• Cultural Capability is underpinned by empathy, relationship skills and self-awareness. Without these competencies, you will struggle to understand another’s world.

Back in 2019, when doing some research with Leamington School in Cambridge, Principal Mike Malcolm stated:

"Most schools talk about developing happy, emotionally rounded and resilient children, but don’t have a deliberate way of supporting this, or have any metrics to determine whether they are making a difference. We wanted to make a deliberate transition from hoping we are making a difference to having the confidence that the many resources we already put into supporting these things is having an impact."

(as cited in Posselt, 2019)

Our mahi at that time used metrics and included staff, students and whānau, was planned and considered, and made a significant difference to the wellbeing of all. Three of the teachers became trained Emotional Capital Coaches and then led this initiative in the school. This was what made the difference to its success on the ground.

And so, with Ministry of Education support over subsequent years, we are able to continue this journey with not just the teachers of this school, but the students and their whānau.

It is exciting, and such deeply important mahi…the stuff that makes my heart sing.

Fostering Happiness, Collaboration, and Purpose in the Workplace

We are not machines, nor are we robots. As humans, we are complex and multi-dimensional in our neurology, psychology, spirituality, and physicality, to name a few. As organisational leaders, leading a group of people is (I believe), one of the most complex parts of your role. 

The thing is however, we can sometimes lose focus on the people over the product or outcomes. When deadlines are looming, work is piling up and the pressure is on, it can be more about the grind, than any purpose or meaning. 

The question to ask yourself is “How often are your people in this mode? Is the ‘grind’ your normal?”

Research on workplace well-being clearly links happiness with raised levels of performance, collegiality, collaboration, and innovation.  

In a massive study published in the Psychology Bulletin, a leading psychologist in the field of positive emotion, Sonja Lyubomirsky, at the University of California, along with colleagues, reviewed the results of over 200 separate studies involving 275,000 people from around the world. The research found that positive emotions lead to success, not only in our personal lives but also in business. Happy people spend twice as much time thinking about what they’ve accomplished, how achievable the task ahead is, and how capable they are of achieving it. The persistent frustration of not loving what you do makes you a difficult character to be around and has been clinically proven to damage your health. Positive emotions impact employee engagement, job satisfaction and performance, customer satisfaction, innovation, absenteeism, and turnover.¹

There are also different types of happiness.  In psychology, there are two popular conceptions of happiness: hedonic and eudaimonic. Hedonic happiness is achieved through experiences of pleasure and enjoyment, such as a shared morning tea, appreciation, positive feedback, or even clearing your desk! Eudaimonic happiness is achieved through experiences of meaning and purpose (our why) e.g. when you understand how what you are doing contributes to the big picture, or you are connected with, and living out your values. Both kinds of happiness contribute to overall well-being in different ways. They also contribute to organisational culture, well-being, and ultimately outcomes.

As leaders, it is important to be purposeful in the development of wellbeing in your organisations. Your deliberate acts of leadership will set the tone and pathway for this development.

This requires leadership that moves from controlling employees to encouraging collaboration, and from top-down leadership to inspired conversations and shared goals. Moving customer focus, team development, employee engagement and Emotional Intelligence to centre-stage, and as a result, building thriving, happy organisations.

So, what are some small steps you can take towards creating happiness capital within your organisation?

Grow your own emotional capital. Check your own leadership motivations and emotional intelligence capabilities and determine whether there is alignment between your espoused and practised leadership.

Seek first to understand. Value asking a question over telling. Find out what makes people tick, their values and aspirations and support them to achieve these through a series of mini goals.

Move from a mode of seeking ‘buy-in’ to a mindset of engagement and collaboration. Utilising methodologies such as human-centred design ensures a structured approach to the complexities of gaining multiple perspectives.

Use a blended approach: hedonist and eudaimonic to create opportunities for people to experience happiness and a sense of achievement at work.

Join the dots… connect people with the “Why”, not just at a head level, but at a heart and gut level where they not only believe in it but are being it.

¹ Lyubomirsky, S., King, L., and Diener, E. (2005), ‘The benefits of frequent positive affect: Does Happiness lead to success?’ Psychological Bulletin, 131, 803-855.

Navigating the Phases of Team Development - from storming to performing

Working with some remarkable teams reminds me how privileged I am to be collaborating with individuals possessing exceptional skills, boundless energy, and extensive experience. Much like in our personal lives, our collective effort involves a journey of learning and adapting within our fields, as we prepare for the work ahead.

It's important to acknowledge that at times, it is not necessarily a harmonious process. There are times of rub, times when mental models will differ. Emotions may become heightened. Times when we are in what Tuckman calls the “Storming” phase of group formation.

This is normal and like any relationship, there is a settling-in period.

It is, however, our level of awareness and Emotional Intelligence that will support us to come through this phase quickly and gracefully. It will be our ability to talk through tricky situations, rather than pack a tantrum. To show empathy over blame, and employ active listening, over a my-way-or-the-highway approach.

For those who dislike moments of ‘rub’, it’s an inevitable part of peopling together. No amount of running or pretending it will automatically go away will address the issues as they arise. It requires us to face them, to keep communicating, and to find a place of common understanding. 

From there we are able to reach a state of “Normaling”. This is when we have normalised our way of being and working together. Common understandings are reached, and agreements are made.

So, as we move from forming, through storming and into norming, it follows that you move naturally toward peak performance and transformation.

As you embark on integrating new team members or face new challenges, consider Tuckman's model as a valuable guide, understanding that transitioning through these phases is a natural process. However, it's essential not to remain stuck in any single phase.

As a leader, how are you supporting your people to navigate these stages?

Unveiling the Power of Personal and Collective 'Culture of Care’ - navigating mindsets for success"

One of the key factors in how we get on in life is our ability to manage our mindset. Like training our bodies for an event, we can also train our minds to deal differently with life and work events. Without this training, we give up personal power and simply react to events around us.

In our volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous world (VUCA for short), we are often struck with a myriad of ‘triggers’ that can cause us to react. We can become defensive, aggressive, withdraw or become silent. Our ability to manage our mindset in the micro-moment between the trigger and our reaction ensures our mind care, as well as the collective mind care of our workmates.

Often our emotions have automatic behaviours (both micro and macro) associated with them. When someone annoys us, we can roll our eyes, ignore them, pretend to be doing something else, or try to move on; all at a subconscious level. We display many automated behaviours; both helpful and unhelpful.

Hugely complex in its creation, the inner core of our brain creates our emotional reactions. Also known as the reptilian brain, its primitive responsive behaviour is designed to keep us safe. 

Whereas the outer cortex of our brain is our “thinking” brain. Massively clever and complex, the boundaries of its potential are yet to be fully explored. 

Unfortunately, the outer cortex of our brain is sometimes not activated during certain events, causing us to react, rather than respond. Putting it in colloquial terms; we can ‘flip our lid’.

When struck with a challenging situation that causes us to go into fear, we may come out fighting, belittle someone else, try to engage others in our behaviour or retreat into silence and sulkiness. Our reptilian brain takes over. Fear is often a root cause of this behaviour.

Being able to calm our mind when in this situation is not only vital for our mind care but also for the collective. This requires us to learn to manage our mindset during these moments, as well as that of strategies in our collective mindset.

Humans are social beings, driven by a need to belong and feel valued. Psychological safety is the term used to describe the safety that we feel when we are together (Kahn, 1990 [ 1 ]). When in a group of people, we will screen others to evaluate if they will be rejected, ridiculed, mistreated, ignored or insignificant. This drive to be social is often even more pronounced with people in powerful positions. Our evaluation may cause us to withdraw or move towards someone. 

The thing is, however, this behaviour can be detrimental on a personal and collective level. It can hinder growth and diversity. It can cause us to move towards the more dominant person, or to back away and become silent. This hinders our ability to share ideas, it also engenders a lack of commitment and accountability. At a collective level, it hinders shared responsibility.  

A lack of psychological safety hinders personal and collective potential. 

It causes groupthink, where we agree to the loudest or most powerful voice. 

It stifles creativity, replacing it with the status quo. 

It causes distrust.

We avoid critical conversations, in return for keeping the peace at all costs.

It masks the problems, sending behaviours ‘underground’.

It causes anger, depression, and people to “check out”.

A lack of psychological safety can disintegrate organisational culture. The following table shows the relationship between Organisational Culture and People Mode. Where is your organisation or leadership situated?

We need to operate at two levels: the personal and collective, keeping an eye on the triggers within each. 

Our work alongside organisations supports them to create a “Culture of Care”, developing personal and collective ownership. Each person learns how to understand their emotional-social intelligence strengths and areas for development, and specific mind-care strategies to support them personally. We collectively explore triggers, behaviours, and strategies for maintaining a collective “Culture of Care”. This then lays the foundation for a high-performing team.

If this resonates with you, then feel free to drop us a line and let me know what you are experiencing and how you would like it to be different.

Emotional Intelligence – taming the inner critic

When it comes to emotional intelligence, our inner critic can get a little rowdy!  Though we may try to be actively listening so we can deeply connect into a conversation, if we allow it, our inner critic can put up barriers that don’t allow us to be present, with our mind open, so we can really hear. 

Actively listening means we not only listen, but we seek to connect, understand, and ‘get’ not only what is being said, but the person behind the words. I’m concerned that we have begun depersonalising a process that is based on human connection. 

So how do we manage our inner critic so we can truly connect?

Emotional intelligence & the inner critic

Before we even learn the process of coaching, we need to explore what a deep connection looks like.

We must ask ourselves:

• How comfortable am I, being present to a person?

• How do I convey connection through my body language or my tone?

Let’s consider the story of a young leader.

This woman began in positional leadership early in her career. She was identified by others as showing huge potential, given various roles, and quickly rose to senior leadership positions.

But like a duck on water, visibly she glided along effortlessly, whilst underneath she was paddling madly. If she made the slightest mistake, she would beat herself up, chastising herself for days or even weeks afterwards. When asked to reflect on her journey, she found it difficult to see her achievements, instead focusing on what was missing. She settled for nothing less than an A-grade in her studies and would drive herself hard to achieve this. Guilt played a large part in how she operated. She felt guilty if she wasn’t working and she felt guilty if she wasn’t spending enough time with her children. 

This highly respected leader had incredible people and organisational skills and was also creative in her approaches. Outwardly she seemed like she had it all together.  Only the few she allowed to see behind this, saw someone whose inner critic was running rampant.

She is not alone. 

There are many incredible leaders of all ages whose inner critics are sabotaging their work and well-being. This internal fight however doesn’t have to be. The road to inner-critic recovery begins with self-empathy. If you’ve found yourself connecting with this leader’s story, then I encourage you to explore the following pathways to increase your emotional intelligence with self-empathy. 

The 3 elements that contribute to empathy

According to Roche Martin, the three elements that contribute to empathy are: listening, curiosity and emotional connection. When we apply these not only to those around us, but to ourselves, both the outer and inner critic can be tamed. For those who are trying to tame the inner critic these three elements can be applied in the following way:

Listening: The key to listening is sometimes NOT to listen; particularly if you are saying unkind things to yourself! A way of checking this is to ask yourself:

“Would I talk to someone else like this?” “Is it true? What’s the evidence?”  

Begin by checking your internal messages and looking for counterevidence. Attune your listening to the positives.

Curiosity: Being able to hold information away from you and look at it with a sense of curiosity is an important skill to learn. To view it from a “That’s interesting!” mindset helps one disassociate from the emotion and reflect from an objective standpoint. From this viewpoint, we’re able to gain a less emotionally charged perspective.

Emotional Connection: Part of having an emotional connection involves showing compassion; both towards others and ourselves. This means allowing oneself to be ‘real’, to make mistakes and to forgive oneself. It also includes giving and receiving aroha. This may take the form of taking time out and doing something you enjoy. This doesn’t have to be something large; it may just mean giving yourself ‘permission’ to take time out to go for a short walk during a busy day. 

Our #developme challenge

As you go forward into this week, spend some time practising self-empathy. 

• Become aware of your inner voice

• Hold its messages away from you with a sense of curiosity and compassion

Over time, as you continue to do this your inner critic will become lessened. You will learn to be gentler on yourself, to find inner calm, and to acknowledge and appreciate the gifts you have to offer. 

The journey may not be easy, but it is well worth taking.