Embracing Boredom and Being

The holiday season is nearing and this also means that schools take a well-deserved break.
As parents and caregivers consider the time ahead, some are already quivering at the thought of filling the endless hours to keep their children happy, occupied, and preferably not maiming each other. 

As a young child, we spent countless hours during the holiday breaks making our own fun. Be it making secret pathways in the overgrown bushes up our driveway, playing ‘spotlight tiggy’, or creating plays that we would perform to family and friends, the space of nothingness allowed our creativity to grow. 

In a world where screens, gadgets, and distractions abound, the idea of letting kids feel bored might seem like an outdated concept. However, as Daniel Pink, a recognised author on the science of motivation, states “Guarding kids from ever feeling bored is misguided in the same way that guarding kids from ever feeling sad, or ever feeling frustrated, or ever feeling angry is misguided.” 

In today's fast-paced, hyper-connected world, children are bombarded with stimuli from a young age. Parents and caregivers often feel the pressure to keep their kids engaged at all times, fearing that boredom will lead to wasted time, frustration or getting into trouble. As a result, children are rarely allowed to experience the benefits of boredom, which include creativity, self-discovery, and the development of problem-solving skills. Our misguided pursuit of constant stimulation has hindered our children’s ability to sit in their own (dis) comfort.

Boredom is not the enemy; it is, in fact, a fertile ground for creativity. When children are left to their own devices without constant stimulation, they are forced to use their imagination and creativity to fill the void. This is where innovative ideas are born, and new talents are discovered. Boredom allows children to explore their interests and develop their own unique passions. This is not to say you might not suggest some options, or provide some stimuli, but too much parental input and stimulation can stop creativity that is born of ‘boredom’.

Believe me, having two very active boys of my own (now adults), I had to support them (and myself at times!), to navigate the space of ‘nothingness’ when arguments and niggles would arise. It was painful for us all at times, but leaving them to sort it out themselves and come to a decision on what they would like to do, provided them with far more relational intelligence skills than telling them what to do would ever foster.

As parents and caregivers, like walking a tightrope, it is hard to strike the balance between too much and not enough input.

It can, however, begin with us. Modelling to our children that it is ok to have downtime that is unplanned is important. What we model, they learn.

Not over-scheduling their lives and time is something else to be aware of. Providing unstructured time that encourages children time to explore their interests and experience boredom will not only open space for creativity, but also teach them how to just ‘be’.

In a world that often values constant stimulation and instant gratification, it is essential to remember that we are not Human-Doings, we are Human-Beings.

Unveiling the Unseen Burdens: Fostering Empathy for a Brighter Tomorrow

Have you ever taken a moment to reflect on the concealed burden that accompanies each individual throughout their life journey? In a recent conversation with a leader, the term "Invisible Backpack" was used to articulate their approach in working with others.

This metaphorical backpack is not crafted from tangible materials; rather, it carries the intangible weight of experiences, emotions, and struggles that mould our identities. Uniquely tailored to each person, these invisible backpacks hold the gravity of personal triumphs, challenges, joys, and pains often unnoticed by those in our midst.

As the demands of the xmas season intensify, the load of these backpacks can become overwhelmingly heavy for some. Whether it be the weight of past traumas, the strain of a cost-of-living crisis, or the challenge of managing societal expectations, many bear a concealed burden that eludes casual observation. 

Recognising this concept opens the door to a more compassionate and empathetic world.

From standing in line at the checkout to navigating the complexities of seasonal expenses, demonstrating understanding during this time can make a significant difference. While consumerism tends to dominate this season, many individuals grapple with hardships beyond their control, causing their invisible backpacks to become even weightier.

This time of year, laden with increased pressures, prompts a challenge to many individuals. And so I challenge you to consider the positive ripple effect you can make to help a fellow human.  

How might you celebrate and support your community?

In what ways can you reallocate end-of-year expenditures to serve a greater good?

Through your actions, how can you reintegrate the human element into this time of year?

In embracing these challenges, we have the opportunity to alleviate the burdens of others and contribute to a more compassionate, empathetic and understanding world.

How might you start…today?

Kintsugi - Not Broken, But Bold and Brilliant: Embracing the Power of Post-Traumatic Growth

In the realm of Japanese art and philosophy, there exists a beautiful concept known as Kintsugi, which translates to "golden joinery" or "golden repair." Kintsugi is the art of repairing broken pottery using lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. But it's much more than just a technique for fixing broken objects; it's a profound metaphor for life itself. Just like the pottery, our lives can shatter, and our experiences can leave us with emotional and psychological cracks. However, Kintsugi teaches us a powerful lesson – that these cracks can be sources of growth, strength, and newfound brilliance. This is what we call "post-traumatic growth."

Kintsugi is a meticulous process that begins by carefully collecting the broken pieces of pottery. Instead of disguising the cracks or trying to make the piece appear as if it was never broken, the artisans highlight the fractures by using lacquer mixed with precious metals to reassemble the pottery. This creates a striking contrast between the broken lines and the lustrous gold, resulting in a uniquely beautiful and valuable object.

Post-traumatic growth, much like Kintsugi, is about acknowledging and embracing our scars, not trying to hide them. It's the recognition that life's challenges and traumas can shape us into something stronger and more magnificent than we were before.

Traumatic experiences can shake the very foundations of our lives. Be it the loss of a loved one, a debilitating illness, a painful breakup, or any other life-altering event, the emotional and psychological wounds run deep. However, it is precisely within these cracks that the seeds of growth can be sown.

Resilience: The cracks we endure challenge us to develop resilience. Just as the lacquer and gold hold the pottery together, we can learn to adapt, endure, and emerge from adversity stronger than ever.

Perspective: Trauma often forces us to reevaluate our priorities and gain a deeper perspective on life. We discover what truly matters, shedding superficial concerns in favour of what's essential.

Empathy: Experiencing pain and suffering can cultivate empathy within us. As we heal, we can reach out to others who are going through similar struggles, offering support and understanding born of our own experiences.

Personal Growth: The process of healing and rebuilding ourselves after trauma can lead to profound personal growth. We may develop new skills, uncover hidden talents, or discover a newfound sense of purpose.

Wisdom: Our experiences, both positive and negative, contribute to our wisdom. The cracks in our lives become the places where wisdom can take root and flourish.

Embracing post-traumatic growth is a conscious choice. It requires us to move beyond victimhood and take charge of our healing process. Here are some steps to help you embrace the power of your cracks:

• Acknowledge your pain: Healing begins with acknowledging your pain and allowing yourself to grieve and feel.

• Seek support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance.

• Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.

• Focus on the present: Mindfulness and staying present can help you let go of the past and worry less about the future.

• Set realistic goals: Break down your recovery process into achievable steps and celebrate each small victory along the way.

• Embrace change: Understand that growth often involves change. Be open to new perspectives and opportunities that arise.

Kintsugi teaches us that we are not defined by our brokenness but by our capacity to heal and grow. Our cracks, once seen as weaknesses, can become the source of our strength, resilience, and brilliance. In the journey of post-traumatic growth, we learn to turn our wounds into wisdom and our scars into sources of inspiration. We become not just whole but bold and brilliant, like a beautiful piece of Kintsugi pottery, adorned with golden lines that tell a story of transformation and triumph.

Survival mode: Getting up and Showing Up

We have all been there. Operating from a place where we just put one foot in front of the other and force ourselves to keep moving forward. There are times in work when things have lost their shine, the passion is waning and it feels like a grind. Not every day can be roses and sunshine and sometimes surviving is a space we sit in briefly.

Dan Carter calls this “Staying in the Game”. Plagued with injuries in 2013, Dan was in survival mode, forcing himself to continue to stay focused and keep meeting the small goals he set for himself each day. In his latest book “The Art of Winning”, he says that survival mode is just as important as any other mode. 

When it's tough, a grind, and you can’t see the wood for the trees, you’ve just got to get up and show up. Whether it's showing up to see what jobs are on offer, facing a two-hour drive to get to work, or delivering a presentation, it’s about placing one foot in front of the other, and just doing the mahi.

The word “flourishing” is used in realms of positive psychology, but sometimes in reality, some days, it can feel like an elusive dream.

Survival is also a space…for the short term.

As a transitional space, it means doing what you need to do until you can get the space or support needed to move towards living. Most of us have navigated this space, and unfortunately, in our current climate, for too many people, it is what is called “living”.

During times of survival, we can experience

• Stress Hormone Release

• Increased Heart Rate

• Elevated Blood Pressure

• Muscle Tension

• Shallow Breathing

• Heightened Alertness or hypervigilance

• Dilated Pupils

• Digestive Changes

• Reduced Immune Function

• Mental and Emotional Strain

• Sleep Disturbances

• Burnout

• Impact on Relationships

• Reduced Job Satisfaction

One thing Dan Carter did to navigate through this was to set mini goals for himself and focus on the process. He set daily goals for himself and concentrated on achieving them, one step at a time. Giving into “surviving” and not showing up, he said, can lead to freefall, where you have lost any control over your destiny. It is about getting up, and showing up until you move from survival to living again.

Mindset Matters

Our mindset matters…hugely. It shapes how we experience the world and interact with it and others. 

One element of mindset is our ability to assume a position of generosity over scarcity. Let me explain.

A scarce mindset sits in a space of deficit, competition, and vigilance. It struggles to see strengths, goals attained, or value added. It also holds grudges. It compares itself with others, looking for their faults and amplifying its greatness. It is vigilant about what others are or aren’t doing, or what is or isn’t happening.

Whereas a mindset of generosity celebrates the wins and picks the learnings from mistakes. A generous mindset looks upon others' gifts with gratitude. It looks, listens and learns with appreciation. It also forgives. It is also a mindset focused on its purpose and the intent of creating positive ripples around itself.

We are all beautifully, flawfully human. There are times when we span the breadth of both generous and scarce mindsets, and all the colours of the rainbow in between. One thing we do need to remember is that our mindset is not who we are as a person. 

The journey of recalibration to our higher self starts with awareness. Noticing with curiosity what mindset we are in, and gently navigating our mind (if needed) towards a more helpful headspace.

Personally, I know that when I am tired, and feeling overwhelmed, a scarce mindset can kick in. I also know that I am not alone in this predicament. It can happen to us all.

All I can share is what works for me from the perspective of my beautifully flawful human experience.

• Get active. Shake, shift, shuffle… do whatever you can to move. This requires doing something different until you are ready to move from your emotional brain into activating your prefrontal cortex, your thinking brain.  It may be having a boogie in the lounge, digging in the garden, going for a walk or jogging, or cleaning up that storage room. Just move. Get out of your head-brain and into your body. Take your energy elsewhere.

• Give. Look around you, and notice where you can show generosity to others. Perhaps it is stopping to talk with someone, taking your unwanted clothes to an op shop, or offering to help someone. When we give, we activate happy hormones, reminding ourselves what it means to get out of our own way and be part of a community.

• Grow the gold. Look for the positives within the situation. Authentically and courageously look for the learnings in a situation. Seek the gold, however hard that may be. Note it down to remind yourself when you start spiralling into a scarce mindset.

• Boundaries. Review and reinstate boundaries you have let go or need to put in place. Perhaps you have given too much of yourself at the expense of your own equilibrium, or you continue to work when you need to be resting, or you have not allowed yourself any time for reflection and creation. Look at where your boundaries are, and make adjustments one step at a time.

Finally, and most importantly…

Grace. Give yourself the grace to be human. Treat yourself with gentleness and aroha. Speak to yourself kindly. It is when we give ourselves grace, that we are ready to give it to others.