Mary-Anne Murphy 19/5/26
Why Do We Make Excuses For People Who Treat Us Badly?
I've worked with someone who made me scared to ask a question.
Not because I didn't know what I was doing. Not because the question wasn't valid. But because I never quite knew what reaction I'd get. Would they snap? Dismiss it? Make me feel like I should have already known the answer? So I'd think about it. Weigh it up. Wonder if it was worth it. And more often than not, I'd stay quiet.
And here's the thing. I wasn't alone. Everyone around me was doing the same thing. Tiptoeing. Carefully choosing their words. Softening their approach. Bracing slightly before speaking.
We all knew. Nobody said it.
Instead we said things like, that's just how they are. You get used to it. Once you get to know them you'll like them. They mean well. They're just direct.
And I've been thinking about that ever since. Because those phrases sound like understanding. Like generosity. Like giving someone the benefit of the doubt.
But sometimes they're just a way of making peace with something that isn't ok.
Because when we normalise behaviour that makes people scared to ask a question, we don't just protect the person doing it. We silence everyone around them. We send a message, this is just how it is here. Adjust yourself accordingly. And people do. They get smaller. They stop contributing fully. They save their best thinking for somewhere it feels safer to share it.
And the cost of that is enormous. Not just to the people tiptoeing. To the whole team. To the work. To the culture.
So why do we do it? Why do we make excuses for people whose behaviour isn't ok?
Sometimes it's about power. When someone is more senior, more established, more certain than us, it feels easier to adapt than to name it. The risk feels too high. And the fear of their reaction, of being dismissed, humiliated, or making things worse, keeps us exactly where we are.
Sometimes it's about loyalty. We know the person. We know they're not bad. We separate their behaviour from their intention and give the intention the benefit of the doubt.
And sometimes it's simpler than that. We just don't have the language. We don't know how to name it without it becoming a bigger deal than we feel equipped to handle.
But here's what I've learned. When we don't name it, it doesn't go away. It just goes underground. And underground it does more damage, not less.
So what do you do when you're scared of the reaction? Here are some approaches that protect you while still moving things forward.
Name the pattern, not the person. In a team setting, raise it as a general question rather than about anyone specific. Something like, how do we make sure everyone feels comfortable raising ideas and questions here? It opens the conversation without anyone feeling targeted. Including you.
Use curiosity instead of critique. Rather than naming the behaviour directly, approach it as wanting to understand. Something like, I want to make sure I'm communicating well with you. Can I ask what works best when I need to raise something? It puts the framing on you rather than them, which lowers the defensiveness immediately.
Find one trusted person first. Before you do anything, say it out loud to someone you trust. Not to gossip. Just to reality check. Am I reading this right? That alone reduces the isolation and helps you figure out your next move.
Write it before you say it. If you need to raise something directly, write it down first. Not to send, just to get clear on what you actually want to say and what outcome you're looking for. It slows the emotional brain down and helps you find the words before you're in the room.
Choose your moment carefully. Timing matters enormously with reactive people. Catch them when they're settled, not rushed or stressed. A quieter moment one on one is almost always safer than raising something in a group.
None of these are guaranteed. But all of them are better than staying quiet and getting smaller.
Because the behaviour that goes unnamed gets permission to continue. And everyone in the room pays the price.
The Conversation
Is there someone in your world whose behaviour you've been making excuses for?
And instead of staying quiet, what's one small move you could make this week?
Go with confidence this week
Mary-Anne
Freeze Frame
Recently while waiting for a car service I wandered into a shop and came across a book that caught my attention and prompted the question:
“If you chose to write one line that reflected your day today, what would you write?”
Mary-Anne Murphy
“Let thy speech be short, comprehending much in a few words”. Apocrypha.
Recently while waiting for a car service I wandered into a shop and came across a book that caught my attention and prompted the question:
“If you chose to write one line that reflected your day today, what would you write?”
Another way of documenting and reflecting upon your day is through things such as the 365 Project, where you take a photo a day. What would your photo of today be?
Alternatively, a sketch a day is another way of documenting your experience.
How else could you capture your day succinctly?
The art of this is to be both present and reflective. To notice things in our day, and consider it a little more deeply than a fleeting thought.
What if this was also something children did to create mindfulness and reflection? How might that look?
If you had to write or capture your day, what would you say?
Going Bush
With a water sign as a Cancerian and a lifetime on the land, I am comfortable both at sea, in the bush and on a mountain. So when the Christmas break came about, I was yearning to reground myself… this time on land.
A friend of mine had been doing up a one-room bush cabin near the Pureora Forest. I was given the green light to use it, so off I went!
Mary-Anne Murphy
With a water sign as a Cancerian and a lifetime on the land, I am comfortable both at sea, in the bush and on a mountain. So when the Christmas break came about, I was yearning to reground myself… this time on land.
A friend of mine had been doing up a one-room bush cabin near the Pureora Forest. I was given the green light to use it, so off I went!
As I drove further away from town life, the air became clearer, nature more vocal and the surrounding silence soothing.
After a couple of hours I was bumping my way over rough forest tracks (thank goodness for a 4-wheel drive!), and into a clearing. Surrounded by native bush sat a hut that reminded me of something from a Western movie. This was to be my home for the next few days.
I turned my phone off (there was no cellphone coverage anyway), set up my mattress on the floor as a bed, and lit the gas ring to boil some water for a drink.
My first night’s sleep was a little disjointed, as my mind began to settle and the sounds of the bush once again became familiar.
My days were spent resting, reading, exploring the bush, writing and just being still.
I worked with the rhythm of my surroundings. Sleeping when the sun went down, resting or a walk under the cover of the bush when it was too hot. The tui’s song would wake me at daylight, followed by a chorus of excited chirping from other birdlife. It was bliss!
When it was time to leave, I felt reluctant. I wanted to stay there forever. Living simply, feeling grounded and connected to my inner self.
Coming back into civilization felt like a sensory affront — phone, people, cars, noise, rushing, pressure, responsibilities. As I reintegrated, this lessened.
My time in the bush may’ve been relatively short, but it was oh-so-sweet.
It has been a beautiful reminder that getting off-grid is good for my soul. It is not that hard for me to do, and it will help sustain me through the year.
What have you done to reground yourself? What works for you? Drop me a line, I’d love to hear.
Kotahitanga: Unity
I have worked with the most incredible people. Prior to our days together we have planned, discussed, shared and collaborated. There are hours of mahi that go into preparing a day that will guide their teams towards exploring and applying the intended learning. These days do not happen in an ad hoc way. They are personalised, and crafted to suit their unique context.
Mary-Anne Murphy
I sit writing this post after a few weeks back into the work year. My heart is full of gratitude.
Over the past weeks, I have worked with the most incredible people. Prior to our days together we have planned, discussed, shared and collaborated. There are hours of mahi that go into preparing a day that will guide their teams towards exploring and applying the intended learning. These days do not happen in an ad hoc way. They are personalised, and crafted to suit their unique context.
And then the day arrives. I am often greeted and shown manaakitanga with genuine feeling. I automatically feel comfortable, at home.
The day begins with karakia to open the space for our kaupapa and to call upon our forebears to guide us through our journey, closely followed by a waiata that unifies our voices and sends them to the heavens for all to hear, so that they might honour our journey with their wisdom. We are respectful.
Whakawhanaungatanga is closely followed, where we dedicate time to connecting, human to human, whakapapa to whakapapa, heart to heart. We are connected.
The path is open, and the learning is ready to proceed.
Throughout the learning that has been carefully crafted, there is time for group work, partner sharing, individual reflection, hands-on mahi and a variety of modalities to enhance the learning and honour the different ways we learn. And most of all, there is humour, belly laughs, giggles and wide-as smiles. We are present.
There are times of group reflection, where we honour the learning we have received, and share with courage the areas we would like to lean into. As this occurs, nods and affirmations can be heard as people support each other's learnings, and show them that they are not alone. We are vulnerable.
Kai is blessed. Honour and thanks are given to those who prepared it. There is a reverence towards how our kai is prepared, presented and partaken. It is also everyone's responsibility to clean up afterwards. We are one.
And at the end of the day, we reflect on our learning, placing these and our next steps at the altar of those whose wisdom and shoulders we have stood so that we might see new horizons. We are grateful.
We close with a karakia, to show our gratitude and set us safely on our way
And this to me is learning. It is the collaborative creation of a space where magic happens. It is where we each bring our ancestral and present knowledge and skills to co-create a new possibility that is grounded in our shared values.
I am utterly grateful to those who have taught me. Nowhere else in this world would I have grown into this kaupapa.
And so, as Waitangi Day is with us, I encourage you to lean into unity. Kotahitanga is our way forward. It takes us all.
What's in a word?
Each year people set themselves goals. To get fitter, spend more time with family and friends, get to that next level at work, grow their own veggies - the list is limitless.
James Clear says “Goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress”, and so I have set this intention as the screensaver on my phone and laptop. It is also present as a card in my house. I keep it in front of me so it remains front of mind. It’s like a lens through which I see and operate with the world.
Each year people set themselves goals. To get fitter, spend more time with family and friends, get to that next level at work, grow their own veggies - the list is limitless.
I tend to, however, choose the path of setting an intention for the year. This intention is not a destination, it is more like a quality that I wish to lean into.
It is an intention that permeates my whole world and is ever present in my mind as True North.
A 2022 article in Time magazine by psychologists Jay Van Bavel And Dominic Packer states that “… by some estimates, as many as 80% of people fail to keep their New Year's resolutions by February. Only 8% of people stick with them the entire year”.
James Clear says “Goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress”, and so I have set this intention as the screensaver on my phone and laptop. It is also present as a card in my house. I keep it in front of me so it remains front of mind. It’s like a lens through which I see and operate with the world.
My word for 2024 is Joy.
Incorporating joy into your daily life isn't just about surface-level delights; it's about creating a wellspring from deep within you. Not only will it build your own well-being, but the ripple effect will impact positively on those around you.
As I journey through 2024, I will ask myself the question “What would Joy do, think, say, feel or be?”. It is the touchstone I will continue to come back to throughout 2024.
Perhaps this idea is something you too would like to take up. If so, what quality would you like to lean into this year?
Mary-Anne Murphy
What does it take?
Why does it often take a major event to spur us into action regarding what we've long considered but postponed? Why do we sacrifice our desires when we could, in fact, have it all? What limiting beliefs hinder us from reaching our higher selves? Perhaps you're holding back on a decision, avoiding a crucial action, or letting independence hinder seeking support. Perhaps also, we need to redefine what success looks like.
I had an inkling that 2024 would be a year of profound transformation for me, but the revelations I've recently encountered have exceeded my expectations.
This year holds exciting opportunities for me, including collaborating with valued clients, delving back into face-to-face workshops, providing Emotional Capital training for RocheMartin, relaunching my Women in Leadership experiences, and pursuing a Diploma in Positive Psychology.
Answering the call to embark on personal travel adventures, I'm also off to India with two adventurous girlfriends early in the year. It's a destination I've always yearned to explore, and what better way to do it than with a couple of amazing wahine!
Recent news, though unexpected, has been a gift. Dealing with persistent back pain led me to a chiropractor who, after X-rays, revealed two fractured vertebrae in my lower spine, causing my vertebrae to slip out of place. Despite the challenges, this revelation also feels transformative. I am exploring how to manage the pain and continue leading a vibrant and healthy life. Its gift is also prompting a reassessment of certain aspects of my life and work.
What excites me about this revelation is the permission it grants me. It took an external force to propel me toward long-standing desires. To alter my work-life dynamic, consider how I do my mahi, and elevate my business with committed individuals.
Yet, why does it often take a major event to spur us into action regarding what we've long considered but postponed? Why do we sacrifice our desires when we could, in fact, have it all? What limiting beliefs hinder us from reaching our higher selves? Perhaps you're holding back on a decision, avoiding a crucial action, or letting independence hinder seeking support. Perhaps also, we need to redefine what success looks like.
I'm invigorated by this news, prompting me to view my world with fresh eyes. Grateful that it's not life-threatening, I am excited for what lies ahead!
As you step into 2024, what will it take for you to heed your internal calling? If you won't advocate for yourself, no one else will. So, just start.
And finally a message from Banksy:
