When Feedback Shakes Who We Are

When Feedback Shakes Who We Are

We’ve all been there. You’re sitting in a feedback conversation and before you even realise it, your stomach drops, your chest tightens, and your mind races. You’re not just hearing words. You’re feeling something deeper: a shake in your sense of self.

Stone and Heen call this an “Identity quake.” In their book Thanks for the Feedback they write:

“An identity quake can knock us off balance… our sense of self is knocked off-kilter.” (Stone & Heen, 2014)

That phrase captures the experience so well. Feedback doesn’t just land on the surface — it reverberates through our foundations. Especially when it strikes at the three pillars of how we see ourselves:

  • Our competence (Am I capable?),

  • Our moral character (Am I a good person?), and

  • Our worthiness of love and belonging (Am I valued?).

When those pillars shake, even the smallest comment can feel like an earthquake.


Why This Matters for Leaders

As leaders, we ask others to receive feedback with openness and grace. But if we don’t model it ourselves; if we shut down, get defensive, or personalise,  our teams will notice. Our ability to separate the self from the behaviour is one of the most important leadership muscles we can build.


Anchoring Through the Quake

Stone and Heen remind us that the antidote to an identity quake is to broaden our identity. Instead of defining ourselves narrowly (“I must be good at this at all times”), we can hold multiple anchors:

  • I am a learner.

  • I am resilient.

  • I am more than this role or moment.

By building these identity anchors, we create room to absorb feedback without it flattening us.


Reflection for You

Next time you feel the quake:

  1. Pause. Notice what’s shaking.

  2. Name it. Is it competence? Character? Belonging?

  3. Anchor. Remind yourself: “I am more than this moment. This is information, not a verdict.”


Feedback is rarely easy. But if we can hold our identity lightly — seeing ourselves as learners rather than finished products — the quake doesn’t have to break us. It can instead become a tremor that opens new ground for growth.


Go with courage,
Mary-Anne

Next
Next

When Team Tension Becomes Your Leadership Terrain