The Skill We Teach and Forget We Need
At the supermarket last week, I watched a dad crouch beside his toddler, who was mid-meltdown in the cereal aisle. He said softly, "Let's find our breath together." Within a minute, the storm had passed. Then his phone buzzed, and I saw his jaw tighten as he read the screen. Most of us would recognise ourselves in that moment. I certainly do.
Whether we're parents, teachers, coaches or aunties, many of us know how to help a child find their calm. We name the feeling, model the breath and offer a strategy. Then we walk into a hard conversation, a high-stakes meeting or an overflowing inbox, and forget to offer ourselves the same kindness.
Self-regulation isn't a children's skill we grow out of; it's a leadership skill we grow into.
Roche Martin's Emotional Capital Report frames this through competencies like Self-Knowing (noticing what we feel as it happens) and Self-Control (choosing what we do with it). Both can be learned, and in any team, whether it's a classroom, a boardroom or a building site, both shape how safe others feel around us.
A few things that help most of us:
Name it to tame it. Dan Siegel's phrase holds true for adults too. Saying "I'm feeling defensive" quietly to yourself creates a little space between the feeling and the response.
Use the physiological sigh. Take two short inhales through the nose, then one long exhale. It's one of the quickest ways to settle your nervous system.
Ask: is this feels or facts? This question helps separate the story you're telling yourself from what's actually in front of you.
Borrow Lucy Hone's question: "Is what I'm thinking or doing helping or harming me?"
Move before you respond. A lap of the office, a walk to the car or a refill of your water bottle all count.
Questions to sit with:
What are the early signals in your body that you're starting to wobble?
What do you offer a child in distress that you could offer yourself this week?
Who around you is steadied by your steadiness?
Ngā mihi, Mary-Anne