Teenagers. Raising them sometimes feels like you are trying to eat vinegar through a fork. And just because you were a teenager once, doesn’t necessarily prepare you for raising one of your own.

The hardest thing as a parent is seeing someone you love more than anything else in the world (who may not love you at the time) make mistakes - some of them big ones - and not intervening.

Giving teenagers a social-emotional intelligence toolbox and then providing opportunities to learn how to apply them in real-life experiences, are the kind of gifts that set kids up for life.

Things like self-awareness, resilience and courage come from autonomy, creating space so that they can make their own mistakes and just be available for guidance, not correction, ultimately allowing them to choose their own path.

Helicopter and Lawnmower Parenting

We know them, we are not so secretly them and some of us have been raised by them. Those helicopter and the lawnmower parents, hovering above us and holding our hands every step of the way or just bulldozing ahead, mowing down any potential or perceived obstacle or challenge coming their way.

This kind of parenting robs kids of experiences that promote resilience. It also denies them opportunities to discover and explore their inner perseverance, all things that give kids the courage to problem solve and try new things.

These kids then grow up into insecure teenagers with no faith in their own abilities and poor levels of social-emotional intelligence. Skills that would help them make good decisions as teenagers and help them navigate one of the hardest, most confusing times of their lives.

Wrapping kids and teenagers in cottonwool sets them up to fail. Rather help kids feel capable by honing their EQ skills, setting them up for success.

The #1 skill children need to succeed

Imagine a tall, strong pōhutukawa tree. It has a thick trunk, deep roots and a generous canopy of branches, lush with leaves and those iconic red blooms around Christmas time. It’s a hive of activity for bees and birds, providing shelter and shade.

In the worst of storms and even with the strongest wind, that tree won’t blow over. It’s because as a young tree, it was provided with support and guidance, helping it grow tall, straight and strong.

Resilience and mental toughness are the most important life skills for teens. Resilient kids have the confidence to try new things. It gives them the courage to not give up when the going gets tough and builds an indestructible bond with themselves that is impervious to outside influence.

“If you think your kids may have been slightly short-changed by inheriting your DNA, don’t worry, genes are not destiny. Just following a few simple rules for creating the right cultural conditions that celebrate resilience, can tip the scales in the right direction.”

Dr Martyn Newman, RocheMartin

Emotion Coaching vs Emotion Dismissing

Are you an emotional coach or an emotional dismisser?

Do you find yourself in a panic if your child is unhappy, stressed or frustrated and immediately try and fix what is making them feel that way? Or do you stop, acknowledge the feelings, validate the experience and help them identify what is happening?

Emotional Dismisser

Invalidating, downplaying or ignoring someone else emotions
Critical when mistakes are made
Using phrases like “You are so sensitive” and “You always make things bigger than they are”
Taking over when errors are made
Using labels such as “You are always inconsistent” and “You are so careless”.

Emotional Coach

Validate all emotions as healthy
Empathise negative emotions - That’s tough to deal with
Patient validation of feelings - I’m here and I am listening
Helps others verbally label feelings - I hear how you are feeling
Communicates boundaries to distinguish between feelings and behaviour.

When children understand that all emotions are healthy and that being angry or sad is a normal part of life, we give them the tools to help them self-regulate their emotions and make good decisions about their behaviour and how they communicate their boundaries.

We can teach our kids to do things, but it is how they are able to respond to the world around them that shapes their mental well-being and happiness.

Want to know more about how to help your teen be more resilient and develop their EQ skills? Momentum Learning has a wide range of options for youth, educators and parents.

Get in touch with us. We would love to hear from you.

Work with Us

Momentum Learning has been supporting Leaders, Teams, Teachers, Rangatahi and their Whānau to develop their social and emotional intelligence since 2020. Talk to us about exploring this for your organisation.

Let’s work together.