The art of thinking fast and speaking slow

Mary-Anne Murphy

Thinking on your feet is a vital skill for a leader. Even more so when under pressure.
Being able to manage competing information, sense-make, synthesise and strategise, whilst also humaning are vital skills in any leader's kete.

In his book Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman states,

"Intelligence is not only the ability to reason; it is also the ability to find
relevant material in memory and to deploy attention when needed."

But, whilst thinking fast is a skill, speaking slow is the skill in action. Let me explain.

Although a leader may be able to think quickly through complex situations or pieces of information, the art is in communicating this in a carefully considered manner, as opposed to thinking fast and speaking fast.

There is an art in speaking slowly.

This art requires that leaders hold space, listen to understand, and are vitally careful with how they speak, when they speak, what they speak, the tone in which they speak and the clarity of their message. This is the art of speaking slowly.

Consider a time when you have been on the receiving end of some hurtful speaking. Often it has come from the limbic brain, charged with emotion and hastily conveyed to you. And, I am sure, you can even remember most of what was said it had that much of an impact on you. It is our response that can make or break a relationship. When we are able to think fast and speak with less haste, we can communicate in a way that sets boundaries, as well as being heard.

The art of thinking fast and speaking slowly underpins a leader's ability to build better relationships, build better communication skills, and build better teams.

Best-selling author Nancy Duarte explored this within her practice by recording herself in a meeting. What she noticed spurred her on a journey of self-discovery into unpacking where her think fast, speak fast modality came from, and its impact on how she led and those she led.

Interested? Perhaps begin by collating some data, either through voice recording or videoing a meeting, or gaining feedback from your colleagues. Then you can start to explore this within your own leadership.

I’ll meet you there!

The gap between emoting and feeling

Mary-Anne Murphy

On a recent trip to Melbourne, a couple of news events created debate. 

One event was when a 14-year-old pushed an elderly man who was minding his own business off a pier. This event was filmed by the boy’s friends and laughter was heard as the man toppled into the water. Luckily, onlookers rescued the man who was struggling to swim. The boy was charged and sent to youth court.

Another story was from the Australian Tennis Open, where a change in rules allowed viewers to come and go from their seats at any time during play. One player spoke about the distraction this was causing to their game. They also detailed how tennis was their job, how they earned their income, and that you wouldn’t expect someone to be coming and going from a boardroom meeting.

This then sparked a conversation about the gap between emoting and feeling. The comment was made that we emote so much about things, yet care so little about others. 

We are becoming people who are quick to voice our own opinions and needs, yet sometimes at the expense of the needs and feelings of others.

Is this true? 

Have we become activists for ourselves, whilst minimising others?

Have we become self-absorbed and self-gratifying?

Are we spilling our emotions out without consideration for others?

Are we quick to troll someone who explores a topic counter to our beliefs?

Have we lost empathy for others?

This is a juicy topic to explore. I am interested in your respectful thoughts and experiences. 

Do women inherently possess higher emotional intelligence than men?

Mary-Anne Murphy

I spend a lot of time around people, whether it’s on a plane, in a cafe, in a staffroom, or just general life admin. Sometimes, I can’t help overhearing pieces of conversations (honestly I’m not eavesdropping!). Some of the conversations centre around discussing partners or workmates. Often, these conversations include references to either a lack of or over-inflated emotional intelligence competencies.

You know the type of conversations… “They are just so arrogant, they don’t think they can do anything wrong”, or “I wish they wouldn’t be so kind, people are walking all over them”. And often, through my over-hearing ‘research’, these qualities are often attributed to a particular gender derivation. 

So, is there a difference between men's and women’s emotional intelligence? Is this a ‘thing’?

In a study by Bar-On (1997), it was found that women scored marginally higher in interpersonal relationships, social responsibility and empathy.

However, men scored slightly higher than females in stress tolerance and self-regard.

I know you will be chuckling to yourself as you read this research, thinking about that certain someone… But, I would like to point out the words marginally and slightly… there was not a great deal of difference between the two.

But wait, there’s more to this story…

In a further 2018 study by the University of Cambridge, they found that women showed more empathy than men. However, this difference was not due to their DNA as the study found there were only 10% differences in the genes that contribute to empathy in men and women.

This implies that the gender difference in empathy is the result of other non-genetic biological factors, such as prenatal hormone influences, or non-biological factors such as socialisation, both of which also differ between the sexes.

And, to add to this through my own 2019 research where we ran Emotional Intelligence assessments past 50 primary-aged students between the age of 7-11 years, we also found these trends were apparent.

So, despite the fact that genetically there is a minor difference, how we are brought up, who we are influenced by, and our socialisation plays a large part in either widening or closing this emotional intelligence competency gap.

So what might this mean for your family or workplace? How might you be unconsciously amplifying or dulling emotional intelligence competencies? And, is this helpful or not?

It’s a juicy topic, and I’d love to hear your thoughts. 

How do I ‘get’ this thing called Emotional Intelligence?

Mary-Anne Murphy

It’s not often people go around trying to ‘get’ or ‘catch’ something. We take vitamins, isolate ourselves, or label our drink bottles in an effort to avoid catching something. But, this thing called Emotional Intelligence is fast becoming the thing that a lot of people want to ‘get’.

Take for example a job where although it may require physical work, it still requires communication and interaction with humans. If someone is going to a worksite, they need to be able to interact with the customer before going ahead with the job. This may include introducing themselves, asking what the issue is, listening, showing empathy, being adaptive to their needs, and straightforward when they need to be.

Whilst someone may have the qualification or experience, and know what they are doing, and how to do it, they may not have the emotional intelligence to do it in a way that gets the best customer service. 

Soft skills are THE skills. 

So how do people ‘get’ emotional intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence is a combination of nature and nurture. It is influenced by genetics but can also be developed through life experiences and practice. With a few exceptions, most individuals possess the capacity to enhance their emotional intelligence through intentional effort and learning.

Research also suggests that there is a developmental element to emotional intelligence.

Most people will improve their emotional intelligence through life experience, however, whilst a slight majority of older people are higher in EQ, it should be noted that there are many young people with high EQ scores which reinforces the idea that emotional intelligence can be learned.

I am heartened to be working in primary schools that are specifically building emotional intelligence learning into their curriculum. 

But, I also challenge those who aren’t. It is also more than just teaching students how to recognise, label and respond to their emotions, so if you are already doing mahi in that area, wonderful, but perhaps it is time to level it up. 

Where are the secondary schools and tertiary training organisations on this pathway? These are the skills for them to be future prepared. It can’t wait. Let’s talk! 

Rising Together

Mary-Anne Murphy

I am privileged to be part of a Hood...a Sisterhood. It is a sacred community and one never to take for granted. At 53, I look back on my experiences so far and consider, what legacy I would like to leave other women coming through the generations. What lessons have I learned, that might support their journey?

From my own experiences, I wish to share a few learnings that I would pass on:

• You are already worthy. You were born worthy, with nothing to prove.

• Asking for help is a sign of strength.

• Boundaries can lead to breakthroughs, particularly those we place on ourselves. Keep stepping forward.

• Our strength as women, is not devoid of the strength that men also bring. We can both co-exist and call upon both the yin and yang within each other.

• At the core of being a woman, is being human. No matter what orientation, we are, at the heart of it all, one.

• You do not need to have power over or give your power away to be heard or acknowledged. You just need to hold space and stand beside.

• You have much more inner strength than you might believe.

• You are part of a hood, a sisterhood. Being part of this sacred space comes with the responsibility to support each other to rise and be our best selves. When another Queen's crown is crooked, help them straighten it.

• You can be strong in your softness, and soft in your strength; we need both.

So, as we celebrate International Women's Day, I ask what would you say to the generations of women that are to come?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.