The Emotional Toll of Leadership: Self-Care Strategies for Leaders
The Emotional Toll of Leadership: Self-Care Strategies for Leaders
Let’s be real—leadership is emotional. Some days, it feels like you’re carrying the weight of your team’s challenges, moods, and expectations, all while trying to keep your own emotions in check. You’ve got to be the steady one, the motivator, the problem-solver… even when you’re running on empty.
That’s emotional labour. And if you’re not careful, it can wear you down.
Why Does Leadership Feel So Emotionally Draining?
Because it is. Emotional labour is the effort we put into managing our emotions to meet the expectations of our roles. As a leader, that often looks like:
Smiling when you’re stressed.
Staying positive when things aren’t going well.
Being the ‘strong one’ when your team needs support.
And while this is all part of leading well, let’s not pretend it doesn’t take a toll. The constant need to regulate your emotions—whether you’re putting on a brave face (surface acting) or genuinely trying to feel positive (deep acting)—can leave you feeling drained, detached, or even burnt out.
How to Lead Without Burning Yourself Out
The good news? You don’t have to choose between being an emotionally intelligent leader and taking care of yourself. Here are some things that have helped me (and other leaders I know) navigate this without feeling completely exhausted:
Be Honest About What You’re Feeling
You don’t have to fake it all the time. Acknowledging your own emotions (even if you don’t always show them) makes a huge difference. It helps you process them instead of stuffing them down.Set Boundaries (Seriously, Do It)
I know, easier said than done. But you can’t be available 24/7 and still function well. Set office hours, schedule breaks, and say no when you need to. You’ll be a better leader for it.Find Your People
Leadership can feel lonely, but it doesn’t have to be. Whether it’s a mentor, a peer, or a friend outside of work, having someone to talk to who gets it can make all the difference.Take Tiny Mental Breaks
You don’t need an hour-long meditation session—just a few minutes to step outside, breathe deeply, or put your phone down can reset your brain and help you keep going.Move, Sleep, Eat (the Basics Matter)
I know you know this. But when was the last time you actually made time for a walk, got a full night’s sleep, or ate something not out of a vending machine? Your body fuels your mind—take care of it.Let Yourself Be Human
You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to be perfect. Letting your team see you—not just the polished, always-in-control version—actually makes you a stronger leader.
Final Thought
Leading is emotional, no doubt about it. But it shouldn’t come at the cost of you. When you take care of yourself, you’re not just doing yourself a favour—you’re showing up better for your team, too. And honestly? You deserve that just as much as they do.
So, what’s one small thing you can do today to take care of yourself? Because you matter, too.
Arohanui,
Mary-Anne
The Future of Leadership: Prioritising Humanity in a Digital World
The Future of Leadership: Prioritising Humanity in a Digital World
This week, while having dinner at a place near where I was working, I witnessed a moment that was quietly profound—not just in its kindness, but in what it revealed about leadership. One of the kitchen staff walked out the front door, a box of food in hand, and crossed the road. His destination was a man sitting in a deck chair outside his car, which was clearly also his home. The kitchen worker crouched down, exchanged a few words, and handed over the food. There was no fuss, no need for recognition—just a simple act of compassion.
A few days later, over the weekend, I witnessed another gesture that carried the same quiet power. This time, it was someone buying an extra item of food while ordering. As they left the café, they approached a well-known local busker, a man in a wheelchair who often fills the streets with his waiata. The person stopped, smiled, and spoke kindly to him about his singing and his commitment. With a gentle hand on his shoulder, they offered the food, exchanged a few words, and walked away.
These weren’t grand gestures or headline-worthy acts. They were small, human moments that spoke volumes about compassion, connection, and most importantly, leadership. Because true leadership isn’t just about vision or strategy—it’s about actions that inspire others to care, to act, and to build a culture of kindness.
Leaders, whether they hold a title or not, are those who see the unseen, who pause long enough to acknowledge the humanity in others. These small acts of empathy demonstrate a kind of leadership that is rare in a world increasingly dominated by algorithms and automation. Artificial intelligence can process data, predict patterns, and even generate conversations, but it cannot replicate the warmth of a genuine smile or the sincerity behind a comforting touch. AI can enhance efficiency, but it can never lead with heart.
In a workplace context, these moments serve as powerful reminders of the impact leaders have when they act with empathy. A kind word to a team member struggling quietly, recognising the efforts of someone who doesn’t seek the spotlight, or simply listening without distraction—these are the leadership acts that build trust and inspire loyalty. They demonstrate a level of emotional intelligence that no machine can replicate.
As leaders, the challenge is to cultivate a culture where small acts of kindness are the norm, not the exception. To model the behaviour we wish to see, not because it’s strategic, but because it’s right. Leadership isn’t always about making big speeches or driving sweeping change. Sometimes, it’s about noticing the little things, reaching out, and showing that you care—not for show, but because you genuinely do.
So next time you see an opportunity for kindness, no matter how small, take it. Not just as a human being, but as a leader. Because leadership, at its core, is about setting a tone, creating a ripple effect, and inspiring others to do the same. In a world full of noise and automation, that might just be enough.
Arohanui,
Mary-Anne
The Human Side of Change Management: Leading People Through Transitions
The Human Side of Change Management: Leading People Through Transitions
The Human Side of Change Management: Leading People Through Transitions
If you’ve watched Ted Lasso, you’ll know it’s so much more than just a show about football. It’s really about leading people through change — and not the smooth, straightforward kind of change either. We’re talking about the messy, emotional, and often uncomfortable kind. When Ted, an American football coach who knows nothing about English football, takes over AFC Richmond, he faces a team that’s divided, sceptical, and pretty set in its ways.
Ted’s leadership style is anything but conventional. He’s not focused on tactics or stats as much as he is on building relationships and making sure his team feels understood and supported. Watching him turn things around at Richmond is a bit like getting a crash course in how to lead people through transitions — with empathy, optimism, and a whole lot of heart.
Empathy: Listening Before Leading
From the moment Ted steps into Richmond, he’s more interested in listening than lecturing. He takes time to understand what’s really going on with his players — like Roy Kent, who’s grappling with the reality of getting older, or Jamie Tartt, who’s desperate for validation. Instead of dismissing their worries, Ted leans in and listens.
It’s such a simple move, but it’s powerful. When people feel genuinely heard, they’re a lot more willing to open up to change. Many leaders, understandably focused on getting people to accept the change, can sometimes miss the opportunity to help their teams process how it feels. Taking the time to listen can make all the difference.
In a way, Ted’s approach shows that empathy isn’t just about being nice. It’s about building trust and helping people get to a place where they’re ready to move forward. Sometimes, just listening is the best way to start.
Optimism: Inspiring Hope When Things Look Rough
Ted’s optimism is one of the things that makes him such a likeable character — and also such an effective leader. Even when the team is losing badly, the fans are chanting for his resignation, and Rebecca (the club owner) is secretly trying to sabotage him, Ted keeps showing up with that relentless positivity.
Now, this isn’t about pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. Ted’s optimism is more about helping his team see that things can get better — that the struggle is worth it. It’s that “Believe” sign in the locker room, reminding everyone that, despite the setbacks, they’re still in the game.
Leaders who can inspire that kind of hope can get their teams to keep pushing forward, even when things are tough. Sometimes, all it takes is a bit of belief that the effort is leading somewhere better.
Confidence and Calm: Holding Steady in Chaos
Ted might not know a lot about football, but he never lets that shake his confidence. Even when he’s clearly out of his depth, he manages to project a calm, steady presence that reassures his team. It’s not that he has all the answers — it’s that he’s confident they can figure things out together.
That kind of steady confidence is huge during times of change. When everything feels chaotic, a leader who keeps their cool can make the whole team feel a little less panicked. It’s that whole “fake it till you make it” vibe, but with a lot more sincerity.
There’s a scene where Ted refuses to blame individual players after a tough loss. Instead of pointing fingers, he talks about what they can learn and how they can improve. That kind of calm response helps the team focus on solutions instead of spiralling into blame and frustration.
Relationships Matter: Building Connections That Last
If Ted has a secret weapon, it’s his ability to build relationships. He invests time in getting to know his players and even brings Rebecca biscuits every day to build some trust. These small gestures might seem trivial, but they’re actually a big part of why his team eventually starts to rally behind him.
Change is a lot easier to accept when it’s led by someone you trust. And trust isn’t built through big speeches or fancy strategies — it’s built through those small, everyday moments of connection. Ted shows that sometimes, leading people through change is as simple as showing up consistently and proving that you care.
Coaching, Not Commanding: Turning Followers into Leaders
One of the most impressive things Ted does is coach rather than command. He doesn’t just tell people what to do — he helps them figure things out for themselves. That approach turns passive followers into active leaders who take ownership of the change.
Take Nate, the shy kit man who’s full of ideas but too scared to speak up. Ted doesn’t just give Nate instructions; he gives him the confidence to share his strategies with the team. By the end of the season, Nate isn’t just following orders — he’s stepping up and making decisions.
That’s the real power of a coaching mindset during change. When you focus on helping people grow rather than just telling them what to do, you end up with a team that’s not only willing to adapt but also excited about where they’re heading.
Leading Change the Ted Lasso Way
What makes Ted such an effective leader isn’t a genius strategy or some ground-breaking tactic. It’s the way he makes his team feel — understood, supported, and capable of more than they realised. Change is hard, no question, but when people trust that you’ve got their back, they’re a lot more willing to take the leap.
Leading change isn’t about getting everyone to the finish line as fast as possible. It’s about making sure they want to keep playing the game, no matter what obstacles come their way.
So maybe the real lesson from Ted Lasso is that change isn’t something you manage; it’s something you lead people through — one small, genuine act of leadership at a time.
"For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field." — Ted Lasso
Go well this week
Mary-Anne :-)
Leading with Gratitude: Appreciating the Human Effort Behind Success
Leading with Gratitude: Appreciating the Human Effort Behind Success
Last week, as I was leaving an organisation I had been working alongside, the lead said to me, "Thank you for always bringing joy into our space." I thanked him and quietly floated out the door. For me, this was an affirmation of a quality I had been leaning into over the past year, and to have this seen and recognised was not only affirming—it also made me want to do it more.
In a world that often measures success by productivity, efficiency, and performance, it’s easy to fall into the trap of equating our worth solely with what we do. We celebrate achievements, tick off tasks, and chase milestones—yet in doing so, we risk overlooking what truly matters: who we are. Our value isn’t determined only by our output, but by our character, our relationships, and the unique strengths we bring to every situation.
From Gaps to Gold: Celebrating Who We Are
For too long, personal development and leadership have been driven by a "what’s missing?" mindset. We analyse weaknesses, set goals to fill perceived gaps, and strive for continuous improvement. But what if we shifted our focus? Instead of concentrating on deficits, imagine celebrating the strengths that already exist within us.
Discovering Your Inner Gold
To lead with gratitude and authenticity, we can start by asking ourselves a few key questions:
What activities make you feel most alive?
Reflect on moments when you’re fully engaged—whether you’re immersed in a creative project, connecting with nature, or leading an inspiring team meeting. These experiences reveal the passions and strengths that energise you.
Which qualities do your friends, colleagues, and family admire in you?
Listen to the words of appreciation you receive. Are you recognised for your empathy, resilience, creativity, or leadership? These qualities are your inner gold.
How can you incorporate more of these strengths into your daily routine?
Look for ways to align your life with what makes you thrive. Whether it’s setting aside time for reflection or creating opportunities to let your unique energy shine, these actions reinforce who you are at your core.
Feedback That Fuels Growth
Recognising and naming strengths isn’t just about validation—it’s about empowerment. As leaders, colleagues, and friends, we uplift one another by seeing and celebrating who we are, not merely what we produce. Here’s how simple, strengths-based feedback can create a culture of genuine appreciation and growth:
Resilience and Composure:
"Your calm under pressure kept us on track."
Innovative Thinking:
"Your creative solutions made a real difference."
Empathy and Support:
"Your supportive approach builds strong team trust."
Integrity and Ethical Leadership:
"Your commitment to integrity keeps us true to our values."
These focused statements do more than affirm positive behaviours; they empower individuals to continue growing and stepping into their strengths.
So how might I begin?
First we may need to expand our understanding and vocabulary of character based strengths or virtues. This site provides a useful list of virtues that help build your understanding and vocabulary: Virtues for Life.
Then begin noticing qualities within yourself and those around you:
Set aside times in your day where you not only review the mahi you have accomplished, but the qualities you have shown as you have done the work. Cultivating your inner qualities not only transforms your own experience, it also illuminates the path for others.
Then begin to offer feedback to those around you on the qualities they have shown.
These are not time-consuming practices, but they do have a high positive impact.
One last word:
Often, recognising the strengths in others comes naturally—it’s easier to see their brilliance. But don’t forget to shine that same light on your own unique qualities.
Go well this week
Mary-Anne :-)
Leading Through Personal Crisis: Maintaining Authenticity and Strength
Leading Through Personal Crisis: Maintaining Authenticity and Strength
Life doesn’t wait for a convenient time to throw challenges our way. Whether it’s grief, illness, family struggles, or personal setbacks, we often find ourselves juggling deep emotional burdens while still needing to show up for our teams, colleagues, and responsibilities. The pressure to ‘hold it together’ can be immense, but true leadership isn’t about pretending everything is fine—it’s about navigating these moments with honesty, self-compassion, and courage.
Marianne Williamson reminds us, “A leader is one who holds a space for the brilliance of others while not diminishing their own light.” That means we can acknowledge our struggles without losing our strength. And as Brené Brown teaches, vulnerability is not weakness—it’s the foundation of real connection and trust. If you’re leading through a personal crisis, here’s how to stay anchored in authenticity and resilience.
1. Speak to Someone You Trust
During difficult times, it’s tempting to push through alone, fearing we’ll be seen as weak or incapable. But Liz Gilbert reminds us, “Embrace the glorious mess that you are.” Finding a trusted colleague, leader, or mentor to confide in can be a game-changer.
Being open doesn’t mean sharing every detail; it means giving enough context so others understand. A simple, “I’m going through something challenging at the moment, and I may need to adjust how I work for a while,” invites support rather than isolation.
If you’re in a leadership role, modelling this openness creates a ripple effect. When others see that being honest about struggles is not only allowed but respected, it fosters a culture of trust, psychological safety, and care.
2. Use the Circles of Control Model
When we’re overwhelmed, it’s easy to focus on everything outside our control. The Circles of Control framework helps shift our energy:
Circle of Control: Your actions, boundaries, and self-care.
Circle of Influence: What you can impact but not directly control (team culture, workplace flexibility).
Circle of Concern: External factors you can’t change (other people’s reactions, larger systemic issues).
If you catch yourself spiralling into frustration or anxiety, ask: Am I focusing on what I can control, or am I getting stuck in what I can’t? Redirecting your energy to actionable steps—like adjusting your workload, setting clear boundaries, or asking for help—creates a sense of steadiness amidst uncertainty.
3. Find the Gift in the Grit
Hardship can feel meaningless when we’re in the thick of it, but Brené Brown encourages us to shift from “Why is this happening to me?” to “What is this teaching me?”
Similarly, Liz Gilbert writes about resilience as a muscle we build through life’s challenges. Instead of getting lost in the difficulty, try asking:
What strengths am I developing through this?
How can this experience make me a more empathetic and grounded leader?
What small steps can I take to move forward with grace?
This doesn’t mean minimising pain or pretending everything is fine. It means allowing yourself to sit with the struggle while also seeking its deeper lessons.
4. Adjust, Don’t Abandon, Your Well-being
Under stress, self-care is often the first thing we let go. But as Marianne Williamson says, “When you honour yourself, you honour everyone.” Prioritising small, consistent acts of self-care helps sustain your energy:
Ensuring rest, hydration, and nourishment.
Taking mindful breaks, even if just a short walk outside.
Keeping personal routines that ground you, even if adapted.
Self-care also means knowing when to pause. If you need to delegate, do it. If you need a break, take it. Strength isn’t about pushing through exhaustion—it’s about knowing when to rest and reset.
Leading Through Hard Times
True leadership isn’t about perfection—it’s about presence. When life gets hard, the best thing you can do is lead yourself with the same compassion and wisdom you offer others. Speak to someone you trust, focus on what’s within your control, and seek the hidden gifts within the challenge.
You don’t have to carry it all alone.
Arohanui,
Mary-Anne